First Blog

YIKES!!!!!!! This is soooooo nerve wracking for me!! But here goes nothing. Things seem to be going really well for Curtis and I recently. I feel like I'm finally breaking out of my 3 or 4 year funk. I've lost over 20lbs (huge victory). I was so used to being an attractive person and then I certainly realized people treat you so differently when you aren't "beautiful". I know I place so much of my self worth in what others think of me.

Some would say that's not true. Is it not? Then I start thinking (scary I know) I am the most obsessive person I know. Obsessive about everything, examples - my weight, my appearance, what I think of others, what others think of me, is this boob bigger than the other?, I need to organize more, should I cut my hair. etc If you've thought it I probably have also. Which I don't know why I do this, I can't wait until I get to that point where I just don't care to compare myself to others. I'm not doing it to be bitchy or judgmental - just to feel adequate. I know some of you may be thinking "this girl hates herself". It may appear that way, but I don't. I am waaaaaaaay too hard on myself and I know it. But it doesn't stop me.

I feel like a "shiny" person. My husband calls it that because I am constantly distracted by everything. And I know this behavior is reflected in my writing. So please don't be surprised when I am one one topic and then seq-way onto another without warning.

I'm so lucky to have such a supportive counterpart. My main and only squeeze Curtis. He is my compliment in every respect. He believes in me more than I believe in myself. I know this frustrates him so he pushes me to my limits on certain topics. As I with him and his not so strong points. I <3 my nerd.

I feel spring coming which means I am going to be so restless. Needing to get things done on the house, which is a nightmare and a money pit.

Which reminds me I will be getting a "star performer" award at work tomorrow. This makes me super proud of myself and feeling like I just save the US budget deficit (lol). It does feel really nice to know I was recognized by one of my peers for doing or being exceptional in some way. Unfortunately they don't tell you who nominated you or who nominated you. You have to wait and hear all of the stories about each of the individuals. And I don't mind being noticed. But I get SOOOOOOOOO embarrassed when I know all eyes are on me, I turn red and get warm and just have anxiety running through my body. Maybe this goes to my fear of judgement.